Yomama so fat

Not to worry, I only suffered super-fish-oil injuries.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he gave his wife a magic dildo before he left. The reason it was called a magic dildo was because no matter where the wife was all she would have to do is say, "magic dildo" and then the place she wanted the magic dildo to be and it would appear there. A week after her husband left, she decided to give the magic dildo a try. She left it in the garage and then went up into her bed and said, "magic dildo, vagina." Instantly it appeared where it was called and satisfied her. She was very excited about her magic dildo and started to use it every where. She called to it at work when no one was looking, in the wooded part of the park, at the movie theatre, when she was dancing, everywhere. No matter where she was it would appear and make her squirm with pleasure. One day on her way to work she hit bad traffic. She looked up ahead and saw there was an accident and realized it would be a while and decided to call the magic dildo. She was feeling really confident and called out "magic dildo, vagina." She became overwhelmed and hit the accelerator slamming into the car in front of her. As it turned out the driver of that car was a cop. The cop came up to the car seeing the woman squirming and suspected she was on drugs. "Get out of the car now and put your hands on the hood!" She tried to comply but ended up just falling to the pavement. The officer was quite alright and asked the woman what she was on. She told him "Officer I'm not on any drugs, my husband gave me a magic dildo and it's causing me to lose control!" The officer, not buying it, simply replied, "Magic dildo, my ass."

Icy dead people.

This thought was concerning enough to give me paws.

If we don’t get some support someone’s gonna think we’re nuts

After all their jobs are NSFW

Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington race course, to watch horse racing. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their ‘wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry. As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, "You must be in Grade 3?" "No ma'am", he replied. "I am the jockey riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help."

A milk-white Eastern dude headed West for the good of his health, and invested in a saloon. The seller advised him that folks thereabouts were mostly friendly, but if ever he heard that Big John was a-coming to town, he should light out of there real quick. So one day our dude is tending bar when the batwing doors burst open and a panicky looking townsman yells "Big John's a-coming!". Moments later the bar is deserted, the batwing doors flapping back and forth, a dart in mid-flight settles in the board, the piano dies away to silence, and the wheel o'fortune is still spinning down in the corner, and the dude is just picking himself up off the floor. Then he hears a thunder of hooves and before he can do anything, a giant of a man rides up on a buffalo, dismounts, punches the buffalo between the eyes and snarls "Stay there!" and tosses the rattlesnake he was using as a whip into a corner of the bar-room as he barges up to the bar. "Gimme a beer!" he barks, and the dude complies straight away, and slides a whisky chaser next to it without being asked. The giant slams both of them down in two gulps, and the dude nervously asks if he wouldn't like another one. "Are you kidding?" roars the giant. "I'm a-gettin' outta here! Don't you know Big John's a-coming?"

Misinformation

The look on my face was priceless.